This week has been so awful. I just need a release, if I can just stay home for a week I’d be so happy. I just want to shut myself up away from the world and be by myself. I’m not like this, and I’m not used to it. I’m known for my happy personality, I’m practically an embodiment of optimism. This week though I’ve been so Bipolar and I often find myself lost and confuse. I have the knowledge yet it seems like my brain won’t accept it and it confuses itself.
I haven’t had a Panic attack in a long time. This past 2-3 weeks I’ve been having them at one point or another, yet these past few days I’m having them every single day. I don’t really understand myself. I know the causes of my anxiety, I know the reasons behind the roots of my anxiety, yet I just can’t get rid of it. I haven’t been myself these days and it’s just so annoying. I often find myself angry, then happy, then sad. Right now I don’t feel anything at all. I feel awkward when my family is around and I want to isolate myself at home. While at school I want to be the center of attention and I don’t like it if no one is noticing me. I just want to break something. Every time I hold something negative things comes up my mind. When I’m holding a cup I just want to squeeze it so hard until it breaks, and when I hold something sharp I just want to stab something, If I hold something hard I just want to throw it into a wall until it breaks. I still have my conscience and good will though so I don’t really do it, but I’m afraid that these urges my bring harm one day.
I just want it to stop. I’ve been giving advises to others on dealing with panic attacks, yet right now I can’t stop mine. I can only control them to a certain extent, which ends up with me wanting to explode inside and I just burst into tears. I need a release, I really need a release. I want to break something without getting in trouble, I want to punch something without hurting anyone, I want to throw something without anyone minding. I just want to shout at the top of my lungs without anyone noticing me at the same time I want people to notice me. It’s weird but that’s how I feel and I don’t really know how to completely get rid of it anymore. It just loves coming back.